Book: Hunting & Horse Trails - from Mongolia to the Yukon
Chapter 21
What It Takes To Be A Big Game Hunter

To be a big game hunter you need a mahogany gun cabinet for a dozen guns, rifles and shotguns. You don’t need a lock on the gun cabinet – only lots of insurance. If anyone helps himself, you’ve got easy money for the next hunting trip. Rifles and shotguns should have lots of carving on the gunstock and fine engraving on the metal receiver and barrel. If you can afford it, have some gold or silver inlaid big game animal in the midst of the fine engraving. For hunting, have some beat-up working rifle and shotgun leaning against the wall of the closet.

You should also have a hand-tooled leather ammo pouch for shells to put in your gun cabinet. For hunting, throw the shells in your pants and jacket pockets with some toilet paper between them to keep from rattling. Shells come out of pockets a lot faster than from stiff leather loops.

You also need a custom handmade hunting knife, with animals etched on the blade. For real hunting, any old jackknife will do – just don’t get it mixed up with the shells in your pocket. Even if you can get it in the magazine and receiver, it won’t go out the bore.

For a hat you almost have to have a cowboy hat with lots of small metal medallions pinned on it from all the hunting clubs you belong to from different states and countries.

They always say boots are the most important item of your hunting gear. Don’t save the bucks when it comes to getting a nice pair of rattlesnake skin cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are hard to walk in, but they sure create an impression. Otherwise, any old pair of work boots with good lugs on them will do.

If you can afford to buy your safari clothes at Abercrombie & Fitch or Dunn’s, this really sets you off. If you think you can impress someone by buying your clothes at Gander Mountain or Cabela’s, go ahead. I buy mine at Fleet and Farm, although I don’t think they’re designer designed. I usually wear them until they are threadbare and then they are promoted to hunting clothes. Of course, after they are barely hanging together, my daughters appropriate them for college. They won’t buy their new clothes from at Fleet and Farm though. They buy their new clothes from fancy and expensive places that won’t even give me a credit card.

You should also marry an educated, intelligent, and good-looking woman. They are able to get better paying jobs so that you can hunt longer and more often.

You will also want to read the obituaries every night to your wife and draw attention to every guy who was younger than you.

“How unfortunate it was that he died so young – he probably didn’t take off enough time to hunt. If he had taken off more time to hunt, he’d still be around to see all his kids grow up and all the relatives and neighbors sure are going to miss him, too.”

You should own a registered something or other dog. Being registered and professionally trained, he’s probably worthless for hunting, but he sure can heel! When you go hunting, you can always borrow the neighbor’s mutt.

Another thing you should have is a trophy room. If you watch the newspapers for garage sales and auctions, you can sometimes get good deals on heads. And don’t overlook road kills either! A good taxidermist can do wonders. Look what they do for some trophies that are all shot up!

Always own and carry a compass in the woods, even if you don’t know how to use one. Then when you get lost, you can blame the compass for not working.

Always carry a map – preferably one for the area. If you have one, you don’t need to take toilet paper along.

The main thing you need for hunting is a pickup. It has to be a 4 x 4. I don’t think it’s legal to buy a truck license for a 2-wheel drive pickup in Montana and Wyoming. Of course, you have to have a gun rack in the rear window, even if you don’t have a gun for it. If not, put a fishing rod or a broom in it.

Of course you will want to get your name in one of the hunting record books. This is sometimes hard to do and may take some ingenuity. You may have to buy somebody’s trophy that is already in the book and have it rescored. The best way is to buy or borrow a trophy from somebody who didn’t know it was a record head.

Then there is name dropping like, “Ernst and I saw this kudu right below the snowline of Mt. Kilimanjaro.” Just be sure you’re old enough to have been living before he died! Or, “I told Jack I couldn’t hunt sheep with him this year in the Yukon, and be sure to say ‘hello’ to Mrs. O’Conner.”

Another way to impress your friends is to tell them you dropped out at $200 at the Sheep Convention for the permit that went for $205,000. Let them think you meant $200,000.

That is all it takes to be a big game hunter!